Brohomie
by IWriteNaked
Summary: A silly little one shot of texts between everyone's BROTP, Clary and Simon. One shot. Climon friendship.
1. Chapter 1

**I know… I know… This wasn't on my list of (7) one shots, either. I just accidentally wrote it, and it's so pointless. Oops. It's just some random texts between everyone's BROTP, Clary and Simon. It's really ridiculous, but I had fun.**

**Simon is bold****.**

Clary is regular.

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Mortal Instruments, but I'm an amazing texter, obviously.  
><strong>

* * *

><p>Fuuuuuuuuck.<p>

**Whaaaaat?**

My life.

**What happened?**

My life.

**What happened to make you so down?**

Fuck happened.

**What was that, exactly?**

My mother is a douche.

**What did she do?**

She became a douche.

**When?**

It all started… when I was born.

**Well, that's not good. Let's turn that frown upside down, and make it a…**

A douche.

**A SMILE. But hey, whatever you're into putting on your face. I don't judge.**

* * *

><p><strong>Hey, Fray.<strong>

Hey, Lewis.

**I was just looking at that photo you drew for me.**

What a coincidence. I'm eating an apple.

**It's a coincidence that I'm looking at a photo you drew while you're eating an apple? No, it's fate.**

* * *

><p>Clary is going to speak in third person, now.<p>

**Simon doesn't understand why Clary is going to speak in third person.**

Clary thought it would be a good idea, and she is glad to see that her best friend joined in.

**Simon would follow Clary anywhere.**

Clary doesn't know what SMH means, and she briefly wonders if Simon knows the answer to these philosophical life questions.

**Simon doesn't know, but he thinks that Clary should search it on Google and report back to inform the masses.**

Clary has discovered that SMH means shaking my head.

**Simon wonders which person shook their head so often that they needed to create an abbreviation for it.**

Clary doesn't know.

**Clary should come to Simon's house.**

Simon should come to Clary's house, because she is lazy.

**Simon will be there in ten minutes.**

* * *

><p><strong>Hey, what's up?<strong>

I'm looking for a midget.

**That sounds a bit personal.**

Don't ask if you can't handle it, Brohomie.

* * *

><p><strong>I got a fohawk.<strong>

Ew. Stay home.

**You don't want me to come to school tomorrow?**

Not with a fohawk.

**Why not? I rock the hawk.**

I'm ready to die.

* * *

><p><strong>Pop!<strong>

Pop?

**Goes the weasel. You're jealous that you didn't think of that, arentcha?**

Absolutely. So jealous, in fact, that I need to take a shower to wash the jealous residue from my skin. Bye.

**I need a shower, too. I'll text you later.**

* * *

><p><strong>I'M CLEAN.<strong>

ME TOO. We have so much in common. Let's be friends.

**Whoa, whoa, whoa. It's too soon for that.**

Acquaintances?

**Fair enough.**

* * *

><p>How's it going?<p>

**Eric is kicking me.**

Why?

**I said he couldn't put "loins" in our new song.**

It's a good word.

**Are you on drugs?**

Yes. Massive amounts.

* * *

><p><strong>Hey! I swear that I know you from somewhere…<strong>

We met at the Gay Pride Parade. You were the one with the Too Gay To Care Committee.

**No! It was at the gay strip club. I was the one running around shirtless, in the assless chaps, screaming "My biscuits are burning!" while holding a tray of rainbow bagels.**

That was Magnus.

**Magnus is my gay lover.**

* * *

><p><strong>How are you?<strong>

Peachy. You?

**I'm decent…**

The dots take away any illusion of decency that may or may not be occuring.

**Oh…**

* * *

><p><strong>We got into Rockfest!<strong>

Cool!

**Eric finally wrote a song without "loins"**

Cool!

**Also, my pants are on fire, and I'm pregnant.**

What?

**I was just checking if you were going to keep saying "Cool!"**

* * *

><p><strong>Fray, you are the greatest friend in the world! I love you with the intensity of 10,000 suns!<strong>

You got the T-shirt I left for you, I see. And I love you with the strength of 10,000 elephants.

**I love you with the swiftness of 10,000 raging rivers.**

I love you with the volume of 10,000 crowds in the 80's, screaming for Tiffany.

* * *

><p><strong>Izzy is looking fine, today.<strong>

Yes, she's smokin' hot.

**Don't turn into a lesbian. That's already Aline's thing.**

I'm almost an adult. I'll do what I want. Also, don't put your semen in Izzy. Keep it away from her eggs.

**Can I put it in her eyes?**

Why would you do that?

**I want her to see my children as they die.**

* * *

><p>I told Sebastian "I'd tell you to go to hell, but I never want to see you again."<p>

**Sebastian is a cock.**

Agreed.

**I got my nipples pierced.**

I'm proud of you.

**For getting it done?**

For having nipples.

**Oh, thank you.**

You're welcome. It's quite an accomplishment.

**I know. I wake up every morning and ask myself "What can I do to make sure I have nipples today?"**

Well, you're succeeding at having them.

**And it's the thing I'm most proud of in my life.**

I would be, too.

* * *

><p>I've had five cups of coffee in the last hour.<p>

**You need to calm down.**

Calming down would be like doing meth.

Not even once.

* * *

><p><strong>This is the most pointless thing I have ever written. I'm sitting here like "Why do I exist?"<strong>

**Hope you enjoyed this random drabble of BROTP texts. (I'm updating RA soon, don't yell at me)  
><strong>

**-IWriteNaked.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Decided to do more of these, to distract myself from stuff. Group chat with some TMI characters, because I can. This is even stupider than last time... And I'm writing this from my phone, so wish me luck. Never tried to upload from my phone...**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Mortal Instruments.**

* * *

><p>*commenting on a photo of Alec, Magnus, Izzy and Jace that Alec posted*<p>

Izzy: I like that random kid in the back.

Magnus: He was the real reason for the mphoto.

Izzy: We photographed that kid so hard.

Magnus: That means anal.

Izzy: That doesn't even make sense.

Magnus: It does if the kid is a porn star.

Izzy: He looks a bit young.

Magnus: Kids these days...

Alec: Guys...

Izzy: I tried to keep the peace. I refuse to take the blame for this.

Alec: Nope. Your fault.

Magnus: I don't know who else the blame could fall on.

Izzy: Definitely not the only person who said anything that was demonstrably inappropriate. (I'm looking at you, Magnus)

Magnus: No. Surely, not that guy.

Jace: Penis.

Izzy: Keeping it classy, Jace.

Magnus: That only works when you scream it in public, Jace. Putting it in the comments is not the same.

Jace: Made me laugh.

Magnus: Laughing is usually the result of you putting your penis in things.

Izzy: In all seriousness, we need to find that kid so we can all see a movie. It would be glorious.

Magnus: For us, it would be. But for the poor people trying to enjoy a movie peacefully...

Izzy: Poor Alec. We're blowing up his notifications.

Magnus: Sorry, Alexander!

Jace: I'm not.

Izzy: Neither am I. He asked for this when he posted this picture.

Magnus: Wow, at least I had the decency to lie.

* * *

><p>*Isabelle Lightwood started a group chat with Magnus Bane and Jace Herondale*<p>

Izzy: Yoooooooo!

Jace: GUYS!

Magnus: Yes, dear?

Jace: Don't call me dear, ya freak.

Magnus: I'll call you whatever I want!

Jace: No, you certainly will not.

Magnus: It clearly made you uncomfortable. You know how much I love doing that.

Jace: Shut it, knobby. You don't know things.

Magnus: I know all of the things. Except why Alexander isn't in this group...

*Magnus Bane added Alexander Lightwood*

Magnus: Now he is! Hi Alexander!

Alec: Hi. I'm about to go to bed. Sorry I kissed out on everything.

Alec: Missed, not kissed. Stupid keyboard.

Magnus: The keyboard wants to kiss Alec...

Izzy: Magnus wants to kiss Alec. And he wasn't in the group so that we would stop blowing up his notifications on that photo. So, good job.

Magus: He's part of the group, so he suffers with the group.

Jace: Where's Clary, then?

*Jace Herondale added Clary Fray*

Jace: Hey, Clary!

Clary: ... What is this?

Magnus: I pissed in a Gatorade bottle this morning, so I wouldn't have to get out of bed. I poured the urine out the window.

Magnus: Oh, hey Clary...

Izzy: Gross.

Clary: ... Why am I here?

Jace: The group suffers together.

*Isabelle Lightwood added Simon Lewis*

Izzy: We're all here, now.

Simon: What's happening?

Clary: I have no idea.

Magnus: Is anyone else taking a shit right now?

Izzy: Hahahaha. No, I'm lying in bed.

Jace: Same.

Clary: Me too.

Simon: ^^

Alec: Uh, yeah... So am I... In bed.

Magnus: That's convincing.

Clary: He's either pooping too, or doing something unmentionable in bed...

Jace: Spanking the monkey, Alec?

Simon: Jerking it with tweezers?

Alec: No. Five chicks. Got help.

Clary: Five pics of Magnus*

Izzy: Do they all have their own tweezers, or are they sharing?

Simon: Hahahahahaha... Haha... Ha...

Jace: Simon, why are you still here? Don't have have octopus porn to watch?

Simon: ... Oh, right. Let me get back to that.

Izzy: I love you, Simon. XD

Simon: You're not so bad, yourself. ;)

Magnus: Ew, go flirt in private.

Alec: I stepped away for two minutes... I love you guys, you're awful.

* * *

><p>Magnus: What can I do to improve my erection?<p>

Alec: Okay, I'll bite. What about it needs improving?

Jace: You'll bite? How is that going to improve his erection?

Clary: Alec, Magnus... You two should get a room. So you can bite each other.

Magnus: Anything Alexander does with his mouth would improve my erection

Izzy: Guys... Ew.

Alec: ...

Magnus: ;)

Clary: ...

Simon: ...

Jace: ...

Magnus: :D

* * *

><p>Alec: Isabelle is being a pill.<p>

Alec: Wait.

Alec: Oh fuck.

Alec: I didn't mean to say this in the group chat. Send help.

Clary: Good luck, Alec!

Magnus: Alexander! Run!

Jace: Run away and never look back.

Magnus: Alec? Are you okay?

Simon: Are you alive?

Izzy: Alec can't talk right now.

Clary: Oh snap.

Jace: Go easy on him.

Magnus: I'm coming over.

* * *

><p>Magnus: She was throwing darts at him.<p>

Jace: Of course she was.

Alec: Thank you, Magnus...

Magnus: Any time, Babycakes.

Alec: She had an axe.

Izzy: I was just going to scare him.

Simon: Iz...

Clary: You're kind of my hero.

Jace: Alec, do you want to stay with me until you can get a restraining order?

Alec: Yes, please.

Izzy: :D

Simon: My girlfriend is always so happy with herself when she's being a dick.

Alec: GIRLFRIEND!?

Simon: ...

Izzy: ... This wasn't how I planned to tell him, Simon.

Alec: Am I the only one who didn't know about this?

Alec: Simon, I will kill you.

Jace: I didn't know.

Clary: I knew...

Magnus: I thought it was obvious...

Izzy: Whoops.

* * *

><p>Jace: If I asked Clary to see a movie, do you think she would say yes?<p>

Simon: You asked that in the group chat, Jace. She's gonna see that.

Jace: Oh fuck.

Jace: Hi, Clary...

Isabelle: ASK HER. OTP.

Magnus: I ship it.

Clary:Finally!

Jace: What?!

Alec: I'm so glad I'm not the only one who accidentally messages everyone...

Simon: Yeah, who were you trying to send it to?

Jace: You...

Simon: Jace Wayland asked me for girl advice!

Jace: Well, she's your best friend. I thought you might know...

Simon: I do know.

Jace: AND!?

Simon: Ask her, idiot.

Clary: :)

* * *

><p>Jace: SHE SAID YES.<p>

Izzy: OTP!

Alec: Thats great!

Clary: I diiiiid.

Magnus: Izzy, do you know what this means!?

Izzy: Clary, we're going shopping!

Simon: Your taste in men is questionable.

Jace: Go away, Semen!

Jace: Simon* sorry.

* * *

><p>Magnus: How many cats constitutes as being married?<p>

Clary: Seven.

Isabelle: I agree. Seven seems good.

Alec: Why do you ask?

Magnus: My mom said I could get a mannequin modeled as Ryan Gosling when I'm married.

Clary: Why would you want that?

Magnus: Why wouldn't anyone want that?

* * *

><p><strong>Okay... I'm done. That's all. Bye guys.<strong>

**-IWriteNaked**


End file.
